Penises On Parade: A Review of Some SL Cocks

Today we’re going to talk seriously about Second Life penises: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Now I know this is going to be a Hard and even Hairy subject, so let’s get all our dick jokes out of the way right now and plunge right in…

You don’t have to have a willie to survive in SL, but if you’re going to be at all sexually active, the day will come when you’ll want one. And given the insanely obsessive relationship men have with their penises, you’re going to want the best you can get. That immediately rules out most of the freebies and cheapies, and means you’re going to be shelling out between L$800 to L$1200 or more. But which are the best, and which ones should you consider? Unlike hair, shapes, and skins, penis manufacturers don’t allow you to try out a demo, so in this article I’m  going to review a few of the cocks I have known, and tell you what I think.

Dicks are expensive–or at least the quality ones are–and we couldn’t try them all, so our review draws on our own personal experience. We’re not going to deal with the cheapies since you can try them yourself for minimal cost. We want to stick to the popular and more expensive.

Before we get into it, I should state my own biases and prejudices:

I’m a purist. I believe an SL cock should provide you with functionality, by which I mean, a penis — even a fantasy penis — should concentrate on doing penis things, like getting hard, looking good, cumming, and whatever else you might dream of your fantasy dick doing. It shouldn’t waste its time doing non-penis things, like playing animations, saying things in chat, communicating with other people, or peddling more goods and services. All those bells and whistles or extra-penile functions only slow you down and create lag, make a cock glitchy and weird, and complicate use of what should be a very simple thing. If you’re serious about SL sex, you buy your own animations, you communicate using your own words, and you don’t let your dick try to sell you things.

Basically, in our opinion an SL penis only has to do a very few simple things. It should:

  1. Be easy to use
  2. Get hard
  3. Ejaculate
  4. Look good, which means it should  look fairly realistic and be customizable regarding color and size.
  5. Be easily adjustable regarding ANGLE!!

This last feature is in italics because (1) angle adjustment during use is an absolute necessity for Second Life penises — in fact, angle adjustment is probably more important for SL sex than size — and (2) it’s amazing how many manufacturers don’t offer it.

Avatars don’t bend and flex like human beings do, and unless you can adjust the angle of your dick on the fly, you’re going to find it waving ludicrously in the air, or poking through your partner’s stomach, or otherwise embarrassing you in some other way during your torrid love-making session. Of all the items in the list above, on-the-fly angle adjustment is the one property that most separates a quality tool from some grotesque freebie and a quality sexual experience from animated farce.

Realasm Gold Edition:  The first decent penis I had in SL was a Realasm Gold Edition, a L$700 unit which I thought was quite the thing 3-4 years ago. The Realasm remains popular as a mid-range penis, mainly for its looks, though by now it’s pretty obsolete and the unit hasn’t been upgraded in years. The animations it comes with are terribly crude by today’s standards, and I would say unusable.

The Realasm is very easy to use, though, mostly because it doesn’t do much. Erection state is controlled by clicking on the letters of the name REALASM in the simple HUD, and it pees or cums when you click on the appropriate button. Angle can only be controlled by changing the degree of erection, so reducing the angle (i.e. making the dick  less vertical) also makes it smaller and more flaccid. But it’s either that or attempt the very tricky maneuver of editing your cock while in the middle of some hot sex, and believe me, it’s not easy to click on a moving pud in all that tangle of legs and weirdness. My pride in my Realasm eventually turned to frustration.

Xcite Wildcat: For my next choice I decided to follow friends’ advice and go with an Xcite, which was generally considered top-of-the-line at the time.Xcite has a long and deserved reputation as the 900-lb gorilla of SL cocks and other sexual parts, and they offer a wide range of add-ons and accessories to enhance the sexual experience. The dick itself cost L$1,050 minus the balls, which were extra. You buy your Xcite penis in a cafeteria-like setting where load your tray with whatever accessories you want. With the nuts and a tattoo or two, my bill came to about L$1,200.

I have a lot of respect for Xcite and all they’ve accomplished, and the cock did look good and had full angular adjustment, though not exactly the easiest. But when you buy an Xcite cock, you’re kind of buying into the whole Xcite sexual empire and the Xcite concept of SL sex, which wasn’t exactly my concept or what I wanted.

Xcite is famous for the Xcite System, which is basically a way for other people to control your state of arousal. That means that by default, when someone clicks on your Xcite body part, a pre-programmed message pops up in local chat telling them how hot it makes you. Like, “Abe Avatar starts breathing heavy.” Or “Andy Avatar starts shaking uncontrollably when you kiss their thighs.”  Not only did the pronoun mismatch bother me, but the whole idea of canned responses and being controlled was annoying and inane.

Also, touching my Xcite penis automatically increased my level of arousal, until I reached the point where I was told I was having an Xcite orgasm, whether I wanted to or not.  Yes: other people can make you cum just by repeated clicking on your dick, which in effect makes you a spectator rather than a participant to whatever sex you’re engaged in. And to add insult to injury, once a man orgasms with an Xcite penis, he automatically shrinks to flaccidity and stays there a few minutes, so sex is temporarily over.

To be fair, the whole Auto-arouse business can be overridden &/or customized once you plow through the rather lengthy and involved user’s manual, (although I myself never figured out how to disable the automated post-orgasmic flaccidity function, nor had anyone else I asked.)  But why anyone would want to have their sexual responses determined by a pre-programmed script is just beyond me.

Presumably, the idea behind Auto-arouse was to automate the whole sexual experience  in order to leave your RL hands free to masturbate. But really, the only thing that makes SL sex more exciting and enjoyable than just solo beating off to bad cartoon porn is the human connection that comes through emoting, which is exactly what Auto-arouse discourages.

The Xcite penis is capable of all sorts of things besides this, though, and through a complicated HUD it allows you to connect to your own special Xcite penis webpage where the settings for your dick color and other data is stored, or import animations and sound clips, or control who can arouse you or not, or communicate with and even purchase more Xcite add-ons.  But the cost of all this power is a multi-page and oversized HUD that’s involved and long on bells and whistles and strangely short on some very basic and important functions.

There’s no obvious button for orgasm, for instance. If Auto-Arouse is off, the only way to cum is to click squarely on the microscopically tiny white square at the top of the erection-size slider, which is very easy to miss in the heat of sexual excitement, resulting in a frustrating inability to climax when desired. Also, the ejaculation animations in my Xcite were surprisingly crude and unappealing. Either monstrous globs of white haze come out, or a pitifully feeble white spray of particles. My old Realasm was much better at ejaculating than this.  Force and quantity of ejaculate are not adjustable in the Xcite.

In Xcite’s favor, both the size and angle of the penis are infinitely variable, using sliders rather than discrete steps. But the size slider really had no effect I could see after 25%, and a lot of attention seemed to have been spent on allowing your dick to hang vertically to one side or the other when you were flaccid and lying on your side. Personally, I never used that ability in all the time I had an Xcite penis.

The point is, SL is my fantasy place, and in SL I want my penis to do what I want it to do, not what Xcite dictates. I want to be able to get aroused or stay limp as I want, cum whenever and as much as I desire, and stay hard before, during, and after my orgasms, as I do in my fantasies.

Don’t get me wrong. Xcite makes an excellent penis and they’re definitely one of the handful of top-choice models. They just do way more than I want from a cock, I don’t want a penis that’s smarter than me and makes me feel dumb. I want something simpler and easier to use.

Aeros Original: So I went on marketplace and bought an Aeros, and it’s become my new penis-of-choice. The Aeros Original I have cost L$1,000 (they make others costing L$1,200), and doesn’t have all that extra-penile programming of the Xcite. Instead it concentrates on looks, usability, and function, and incorporates some unique and welcome features I always wished for: it drips, it throbs, the quantity and appearance of ejaculate are customizable on the fly, and the HUD is easy to use, fast, powerful, and responsive. I’ve yet to notice any lag in my Aeros scripts.

Aeros prides itself on its realistic appearance, and it is very good. Head, shaft, balls, and public hair are all independently adjustable in size and appearance. There are several choices of skin texture for each, and color may be selected from pre-sets or custom-designed by color field. The sliders controlling size are a little balky and insensitive on mine, but since I’ve never been one for grotesquely ill-proportioned cocks, I really don’t mind.

The Aeros comes with a unique and compact HUD that admittedly, takes a bit of getting used to. But once it’s mastered (which isn’t that difficult if a doofus like me can do it), it’s fast, responsive, and has all the functions right there, no more than two clicks away. The HUD is shaped like a little steam punk gear or wheel that folds up when not in use to about the size of a dime.  Click on the center to turn your dick on, and click on the edge to expand the HUD to expand it to about the size of a quarter, with full functionality: size (head, shaft, balls, pubic hair, all independently adjustable), appearance (same), amount and type of ejaculate, animations, auto-response (optional, thankfully).

The all-important penis angle is infinitely variable though a full 155 degrees by moving a dial-like slider around the edge of the wheel, so the dick can point almost straight up or straight down and anywhere in between. Cock size is controlled by clicking closer or farther to the center of the wheel, so size and angle are independent too. There are 3 sizes and a super-size override, and that’s pretty much all you need.

The cum, pee, and drip functions are controlled by 3 little buttons on the face of the wheel, and the amount, type (drop, stream,  spray, etc), and force can be set on a little sub menu you get by clicking on the bottom. You can also make your cock drip or cum from the shaft or balls, a very clever feature that allows for deliciously dripping blowjobs and lewd overflowing cream pies when you’re in your partner. The cock also bleeds if you’re into that.

The Aeros comes with several nice masturbation animations, and more animations may be added. It also has Xcite-like sharing capabilities, but since I’m not much interested in that, I never explored them. The  Aeros comes with a handsome little instruction booklet that uses pictures and diagrams, so there’s no wading through notecards and pages of text.

The cock comes with free updates for life too, which is also a nice feature, and they really do follow through, sending you an entirely new package rather than just some patch. In the 6 months or so I’ve had mine, I’ve received two updates. As I recall, one was to fix some glitch in the animation controls, and one to add a new spray function to the ejaculation types.

If I sound biased it’s because I am. I know we men get very involved and defensive in our penis choices, but in this case I think it’s justified. The Aeros is powerful, responsive, good-looking, and easy to use. What else is there?

Royal T3K Blizzard :  Another line of high-end cocks recently on the market is made by Royal. I purchased their Royal T3K Blizzard for L$999, which is near bottom-of-line. The Tayfun is cheaper at L$799, but after that the prices go up to around L$1300. They also make a couple of mesh dicks for L$1300 or L$2200, but I have to say I’m not certain what the advantages of a mesh penis would be.

The comments in Marketplace rave about the Royal line, but after using mine for several weeks, I have some serious reservations. Royal, like Xcite, seems big on bells and whistles that I find secondary to using a cock, and for the price, I found my Blizzard underpowered and rather average in performance. Maybe the more expensive models have more capability, but for L$1000, I expected more than a dick that basically just changes sizes.

Marketplace comments specifically praise the Royal line for it natural appearance and customizability, and Royal promotes itself as making the most realistic sexual parts in SL. But I found the Blizzard mediocre in appearance and unusually difficult to customize.  Shaft, glans, and balls are all the same color and not individually customizable, so your junk looks anything but realistic. Instead your package resembles one of those rubber cock-and-ball sets from an X-rated toy store, or like your whole unit’s been dipped in a can of paint.

Choosing a color doesn’t involve the usual what-you-see-is-what-you-get color chart, but first selecting one of eight a skin types, and then selecting a color by clicking through a slew of numbers looking for what you want. With a 102 choices in 14 menus, finding your match is an exercise in trial-and-error, and if you’re particular about color, can be a very long and tedious process.

The inadequate Help menu says there’s some way to create your own color by attaching a color-picking HUD, but I wasn’t supplied with any color-picking HUD. Maybe my model didn’t include it?

Size in the T3K Blizzard is selected by a click-scroll button, which takes you from small to grotesquely elephantine in 12 steps. The whole unit resizes together. There’s no way to adjust the parts individually. Degree of erection is controlled by clicking one of six buttons, from 1 (down and flaccid), up to 6 (nearly vertical). State 3 is horizontal, so there are only 3 real erection states.

Despite this, the Blizzard achieves the difficult task of fitting into a partner amazingly well and in a remarkably sexy way. The designers managed to nail penile geometry so well that the fit is tight and realistic and the motion is fluid and smooth, and very salacious. If you like watching it go in and out, this might be your dream dick.

The HUD for the cock itself is rather large, taking up about 1x 5 1/2″ ( ~2.5×14 cm) of screen space when deployed, and I found it a bit glitchy, slow to respond both in turning functions on and off.  It jumped around the screen when certain buttons were pushed, and sub menus came up that didn’t respond and couldn’t be closed, but just shoved off the screen. Aside from the aforementioned size and skin color, not much is customizable. You can’t choose type, color, or force of ejaculation, and my Blizzard seemed to drip rather than squirt. It comes and pees and that’s about it functionwise.

Royal seems to have put most of their effort into a lot of extra-penile functions that really don’t interest me, and aside from the usual function and appearance buttons, the HUD gives prime space to buttons for News (about new Royal products), Sounds, Hot (supposedly a list of hot sex spots in SL, but as far as I could tell was a space for third-party ads), Target (applies 6 non-sexual poses to a targeted partner), another Target (to turn the first one off), Lock (which put a cage-like device on my junk) and Emote, which brings down a multi page menu of common emote gestures that have nothing to do with the business of sex. Unless your idea of a good pick-up line is a clip of Austin Powers saying, “Yeah, baby!” These are not the kinds of things I want from my penis.

Given all this, I’m at a loss to explain the praise I saw on Marketplace. I can only think that these happy users are stepping up to their first expensive cock and are impressed by all the bells and whistles. For my money, the Blizzard is not even in the same class as the Xcite or Aeros.

About Aiden Swain

Editor/Publisher, Humm Magazine: Journal of Cybersexuality

2 comments

  1. Rocker1969

    One other down side to the Xcite cocks, when you adjust the angle, cock AND balls shift, which to me, looked very strange.
    Regarding the Aeros, the Original has been discontinued, with the Nemo and Magnus their only offering. They do, however, give a generous discount on the newer ones, if you already have the original, and want to move up.

  2. Ben

    I have the Aeros Magnus myself, being a rather large av, and thus far I’m hard pressed to find a better dick out there. The only real complaint I’ve had is lack of modification permissions, but aside from that, I love it. The biggest feature my partners tend to like is the choice of style, I can stick with the small slider and it remains sort of simple with a fun little curve to the shaft, or click the next scroll wheel over and turn it into a hard, straight shaft with a bit more girth than before to take it from “aww cute” to “Whoa, this might be a challenge”

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