How to be a Terrible SL Cyberlover
©Humm Magazine March 3, 2011
Okay. Let’s say you’ve already taken care of the preliminaries. You’ve got your stock SL body adjusted for maximum sexiness: for women, boobs and legs at 100%, the rest of you as skinny as you can make her. For men: shoulders and muscularity likewise maxed out , over a tiny wasp waist with no ass, and your Av as big as you can possibly make him, because you know women find that lummox-on-steroids look absolutely irresistible. You’ve got on your found-in-the-gutter freebie hair–for women, that shapeless Lego-like blob, preferably in red; for men, either He-Man shoulder-length locks or the newer, urban-hip, close-to-the-skull brown fuzz that makes you look like your head’s been flocked. You’re wearing your new sexy threads that look like they’re painted on because they are, and you’ve got that Super-Noobie spastic-bird-walking-into-the-wind gait down pat. You’re ready. It’s time for some hot, bad SL cybersex.
Wait! Not so fast there, Mr. Resident! Men–do you have one of those enormous, 18-inch erections that stands straight out and looks like a Pringle’s can with a Bermuda onion jammed on the end? You’ll need one, and you can usually get them free at the kind of place you’re headed for. They come in a range of colors, from Cadaver Gray to Inflammation Red.
Women, you’re luckier. You’ve already got boobs, and you really don’t need a vagina. No one’s really sure just where that Pringle’s can thing goes anyhow, and close is good enough.
Okay! Preload your chat translator with, “How r u? Want have sex w/ me?” and let’s teleport over to Sleazy Sex Land and get it on!
But before we do, let’s take a moment to go over a few simple items that will help guarantee that the SL sexual experience we’re about to have will be as shallow, dull, silly, and meaningless as we can possibly make it. Let’s take a moment to read Humm Magazine’s own:
How to be a Terrible SL Cyberlover
Tip #1: It’s All About the Animations, Stupid! Terrible cyberlovers all agree: once you’ve maneuvered your partner onto a pose ball, your duties as a lover are pretty much over. You can just sit back and watch those Avi’s go at it for minutes, hours, days, even, because the real pleasure in SL sex comes not from sharing any real human feelings or emotions with the person behind the other Av, but from silently watching badly-rendered cartoon images engage in cheap, repetitious dumb-show animations meant to resemble various forms of human sexual activity. Women especially enjoy these crude simulations, since it’s well known that women much prefer their sex to be visual and mechanical and devoid of any distracting expressions of emotion or affection.
Remember too that the quality of the animations hardly matters. The worst animations will have the same semblance to real sex as Navy semaphore has to Romantic poetry, but so what? The better animations will be more nuanced and detailed and provide a much more enhanced feeling of emotional connection and intimacy with your partner if you’re not careful, but don’t be fooled. If what we wanted was connection and intimacy, we’d be doing Real Life sex and not sitting alone with some stranger who was untold miles away, silently masturbating to cartoon sex.
Tip # 2: Avoid Showing Any Emotion. Remember that you’re just there to watch your avatar rub his or her gonads with those of your partner and not to share any sort of emotion or feelings of closeness. So be careful to avoid saying or doing anything that might be seen as showing any sort of awareness or recognition of the human being behind the other Av. This could ruin the purity of the cybersexual experience and possibly even result in your making emotional contact with another person! Ick!
And once again, remember that if we wanted actual emotional involvement, we’d be playing Zynngo and not doing SL sex, right? So you want to just shut up and let your avatar’s gonads do the talking.
Tip #3: If You Have To Say Something, Keep It Bland. If the urge to communicate is just too strong to resist, make sure you keep all feeling out of it. You don’t want to say or do anything that might result in actual connection with your partner, or that even acknowledges the fact that you’re having sex with them. Keep things bland, unemotional, objective, and general. You don’t want them to feel like they’re anything special.
Something like, “Im fucking u so hard!” is good, because it describes only what anyone can already see. “Ur pussy feels good” is also a good choice, because most pussies feel good so you’re not telling her anything new, and because most women are deeply concerned as to whether their pussies feel bad during sex. Many women, in fact, have sex solely to find out how their pussies feel.
For women, the easiest way to achieve Bad Cyberloverhhood is to just not say or do anything at all. Nada. Just go limp. Let the animations do the work. Go to the kitchen and get a diet coke and some Fritos or search your inventory for that gown you lost. Cam around and do some shopping or IM some friends. Bad Cyberlovers everywhere admire a partner who doesn’t move or respond or even acknowledge that he or she is having sex, and women are especially suited for this, having been blessed by the gods of Gender Stereotyping with a natural passivity and the ability to lapse into a minor coma during sex.
If you just have to respond, girls, try repeating, “Mmmm” or “Oooo” to everything he does. Even better, take it into Third Person and describe those meaningless vocalizations by emoting, as in, “[Your Avatar’s Name Here] moans softly…” Do this enough times and he might just get bored with you and leave, and bad SL sex doesn’t get much badder than that!
Tip #4: Make Sure You Use All The Animations Available. Bad cyberlovers know that it’s the quantity, not the quality, that matters. Boob size, penis length, number of orgasms, sure– we all know those are about quantity. But let’s not forget the number of animations in our sex beds and furniture! You want as many as possible, and you want to make sure you use them all every time you have sex. You don’t want to sell your partner short!
The recommended procedure is to just “run the menu.” Just start with whatever animations seems closest to your idea of foreplay and click them all just as they appear on the HUD menu, one right after another. Those manufacturers have given a lot of thought to their menu layouts to make sure all the activates and positions are laid out in a logical, orderly fashion, and even if going from a tender cuddle to anal rape doesn’t make much sense to you, trust them and their extensive market research!
One or two seconds of each animation is all you need to get the general message before you move on to the next one, so keep it moving and keep it lively!
Tip #5: Ignore Your Partner’s Responses. Occasionally you’ll get a partner who doesn’t know the basics of bad cybersex and will try to tell you what he or she likes or doesn’t like as you’re flipping through your animations. Ignore these buttinskys and their pesky interruptions! If they really knew what was good, they wouldn’t be in bed with you in the first place, would they? So don’t pay any attention to them.
Remember: bad cybersex is all about pleasing yourself, not your partner, so don’t let yourself get distracted. In fact, if you don’t mind fucking a gray outline, just put them on Mute! No awkward goodbyes afterward!
Tip #6: Monopolize the Lovemaking. Nothing impresses a partner with what a great lover you are like taking charge of the lovemaking from the beginning and just bombarding them with non-stop action, from start to finish. Show off your sexual athleticism, creativity, and incredible sensitivity by totally monopolizing the sex and turning your partner into nothing more than a passive audience for your awe-inspiring display of erotic know-how!
You’ll need some nimble typing fingers for this, but if you’re at least decent and if you follow Tip #5 (above) about ignoring your partner’s responses, you should be able to smother them pretty handily under a no-letup barrage of your own attentiveness and concern, never letting them get a word or action in edgewise and thus making them totally irrelevant to your own display of cybersexual fireworks.
Tip #7: Insist on Orgasm! To paraphrase coaching great Vance Lambruski (or whoever it was), “Orgasm isn’t the most important thing, it’s the only thing!” Bad SL lovers take note! Nothing else matters if you don’t make your lover cum. Nothing! It’s all about the O’s! No one cares about the X’s.
This is one spot where we bad cyberlovers don’t want to put ourselves first. Of course we’re going to get ours, no question about it, but it’s her (or him) we’re talking about now. It doesn’t matter if she says she doesn’t need to orgasm, or that it was beautiful as it was, or that she’s more than satisfied, or that her RL husband’s coming home or her kids need the computer or anything else. She’s lying! She really wants that Screamer! And unless you give it to her, you’ll always be nothing but a two-minute man.
So how do you do it? Easy: just keep doing her: screwing her, eating her, or whatever else you were doing, and don’t stop till she screams Uncle!!! or something else with a hell of a lot of exclamation points. It doesn’t matter how long it takes or whether she objects, has to go, or even logs off. Just keep going, full out, fast as you can.
Remember: no one likes a quitter!
Tip #8: Keep Your Descriptions Detailed and Impersonal. Men and women both love highly detailed and dispassionate descriptions of what you’re doing to then. For instance, men need to know exactly just how many times, how fast, and in what direction you swirl your tongue on the head of their cocks during oral sex. It’s critical to them! And women are the same way when it comes to cunnilingus. They want a dry, detailed, very clinical anatomical explanation of just what their lover’s doing to them, and the longer the better; 3 or 4 lines, at least. If you don’t include details on your treatment of both the labia majora and minora as well as your plans for her Skene’s Glands and clittoral fundus, then she’s just not going to get aroused.
And keep it clinical! Keep it objective and keep emotion out of it! He’s more interested in knowing the exact frequency and part of your tongue with which you stimulate his frenulum than he is in knowing how it excites you having him in your mouth.
We all know there’s nothing quite as sexually exciting as a medical textbook, so take a tip from them and brush up on your anatomy.
Tip #9: Go Omniscient! If your partner’s not quite holding up his or her end, don’t hesitate to step in and tell them what they’re feeling or doing as you see it. “U cant stop cumming as I fuck you again and again” will sometimes jump-start their appreciation for what’s going on. “U gasp and fall to ur knees as u c my big dick!!!” is another way to gently nudge the clueless beginner into what her proper behavior should be, in your opinion.
Woman can profit from this tip every bit as much as men, too, and maybe even more, given that they don’t often get to control the action and so are usually reduced to just talking about it. “U lunge at me and miss as I dance away like a beautiful fairy, laughing in ur stupid face!” will sometimes work to awaken the oblivious dullard to the charms of the coy and elusive minx he’s dealing with.